Apparently the reason that girl on my campus, Tina Stewart, got stabbed to death by her freshman roommate, Shanterrica Madden, was because Tina Stewart reported her to housing about her marijuana use. So then Madden walked into Stewarts room with a knife, stabbed her, turned off the light, closed the door, then said she, “went to check on her laundry because she needed to put some clothes in the drier.” WTF?!
Who Knew???
1. To remove a bandage painlessly,
saturatethe bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,
fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking,
let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses,
simply wipe the lenses with a soft,
clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka
and letting your safety razor blade
soak in the alcohol after shaving.
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains,
scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face
as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair,
and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9 Pour one-half cup vodka
and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag
and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches,
pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar
with freshly packed lavender flowers,
fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter,
then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth
to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor,
wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect
and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy
to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me! I used to drink the shit !
When I was in second grade, I lied to everyone I was from Africa.
They all believed me.
When I would mess up on a problem or something, my excuse would always be, “well, that’s not how we did it in Africa!”
They never continued to press the issue once I would make that statement.
They did, however, ask: “but your Mom is white. How can you be from Africa and your Mom be white? Were you adopted?”
This was all before Angelina Jolie went on her international adoption spree so I didn’t dawn on me that, that would be a valid excuse to continue this charade. But I said, “no, that’s my actual Mother.”
Then, thinking on my toes without skipping a beat, I said, “they have white people in Africa too!”
This statement was true to a point: white people CAN be from Africa … however, my Mom wasn’t one of them.
They believed me and I transferred schools so they never knew I lied that whole year.
Whilst I was standing at the bus stop - per usual - I noticed this hot girl in high heels, a short skirt and tight top walk up and stand near me waiting for the bus as well.
Later, a guy walked by and the first thing he said to her was, “your backpack is unzipped” … I didn’t even notice she had a backpack on, much less that it was unzipped.
Clearly he’s the kinda guy who likes to have his back packed.
If a guy notices your outfit, name brands, etc. he’s right there with you looking for some penis.
If a guy notices your features, he wants to give you some of his penis.
[Released IMs of Zuckerberg and friend/classmate.]
Zuck: Yeah so if you ever need info about anyone at Harvard
Zuck: Just ask.
Zuck: I have over 4,000 emails, pictures, addresses, SNS
[Redacted Friend’s Name]: What? How’d you manage that one?
Zuck: People just submitted it.
Zuck: I don’t know why.
Zuck: They “trust me”
Zuck: Dumb fucks.
Long time, no tumble!
So, I was told that I somehow complete this group I was inadvertently apart of freshman year (during our bonding experiences - you know, with all the people being stabbed, beaten, and dying).
Long story short, they said I was the, HUMAN TORCH!
That means I have to bring the sexiness to the group because,
Girls migrate to wear it’s hot!
Remember that song, “Half Of My Heart” where John Mayer sings to Taylor Swift? It’s OK if you haven’t, it’s sucky song, much less a hit.
Taylor Swift has a new song called, “Dear John” on her upcoming album called, “Speak Now.” While I’m not much of a Taylor Swift fan, I’m much more of an anti-John Mayer fan - it’s a combination of his lack of talent, trying to be funny when he’s not, and, oh yeah, playing at Michael Jackson’s funeral when The King Of Pop Music himself had publicly stated numerous times how didn’t like him!
Moving back to the subject at hand …
Here’s some of Taylor Swift’s lyrics for you to decyphor yourself.
ENJOY!
1st Chorus:
“Dear John
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known
2nd Chorus:
It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so”
However, a barely known singer by the name of Jessie James (who hit the scene in 2009) sings a very different tune in her song entitled, “Dear John” as well. However, Jame’s version was released months before Swifts version. She ever made a video for it …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZdedbfusMs&ob=av2e
Jessie James, unlike Taylor Swift, turned down John Mayer initially now longs for him to be back. I think James did the right thing judging by Swift’s outcome.
Bryce Morton should be doing reading for a paper due Thursday right now, but elected to post on a Tumblr account that nobody follows him on instead. Bryce was bred and born in the great state of Kentucky (where the buffalo roam and … something regarding there being a lot of horses there as well). He decided that he has out grown the state and decided to pursue a career in music so he fervently relocated to Nashvegas. He often wastes his time with both social media, guitar playing, songwriting, keyboard playing, and other musical related activities. He can play 6 instruments along with being able to sing, but who’s counting - right? Bryce has worked at Wal*Mart for about a year, Best Buy for about a year and a couple months, and interned with Clear Channel Radio Station for four years and then (finally!) go hired to be a paid employee for a couple of months. He has clinical depression, social anxiety, inappropriate jokes (at inappropriate times I might add), bad credit, OCD, a psychological addiction to alcohol, a physicaladdiction to masturbation, and a 2005 Chevy Avalanche.
Bryce has worked many events and promotions through radio and has even had some guest appearances where he’s awkwardly performed as his kooky self. He has NOT performed at the Lincoln Center, the Great Wall of China, the Brea Improv, the Hamburg Inn #2 in Iowa City, an empty field in western Maine, or any private residence except that one party at Babs’ place.
Bryce was propositioned a record number of 3 times to be a porn star! On a side note, he was voted in High School (amongst the entire senior class in their private awards) “Most Likely To Be A Porn Star.” Contrary to all of these accusations, Bryce has never once filmed an escapade he’s participated in (at least not to his knowledge).
Bryce lives in Nashvegas where he’s attending his final year and a half of school. His hobbies include hope and despair, rage and joy, and pretending that Jim Henson movies are real.
“Testes, testes, one, two three, testes, testes, one two three …”
